Commencement

We all know Commencement, the noun, as another word for Graduation, or ending a chapter in our lives. We also know the verb form, "to commence" refers to beginning something. I have never felt the full impact of this union of opposites until last Wednesday, our last day of Yoga Teacher Training. On one side YTT is ending, yet on the other I am beginning a new life, where I get accepted into this yoga teacher community.

During our last class, we had to go around the circle and speak about what we have gotten out of the training program. There was so much, I had no idea what I was going to say. So I thought about it for a while. I got motivation, inspiration, knowledge, a regular practice, meditation, - the list could go on for days. I tried to boil everything down into 1 thought. What was the underlying least common denominator? Connectedness.

I am someone who has always lived by the motto "if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself." I know that sounds horrible, but it had been proven true time and time again. I take charge and get things done. I rarely lean on anyone. I am an island.

Yet, I found in YTT I did a lot more leaning than I had ever imagined. The training required many personal lifestyle changes: no drinking, daily practice, daily meditation, daily yoga meal, daily gratitude journal, weekly class observations, etc. I would love to say I completely made over my life that first week to accommodate them all like it was no big deal. But making that many changes all at once, in addition to changing my eating habits to vegan, got overwhelming. And not just at first. I would be a stellar student some weeks and slack off on others. I found on the weeks when I missed a few yoga practices it was so much easier to miss even more. It also made it so much easier to slow down on all of the other requirements - skipping meditation here and yoga meals there. But there was one constant throughout it all: when I would go to YTT class each week, I was motivated to start again. Didn't matter how far I had dropped off.

YTT class became a place I could re-energize my commitment to living this lifestyle. If I came in weak, I could lean on the energy in the room to refuel. I could feel how connected I was to everyone else. And how generous they were to share their prana with me. On the weeks I came in stronger and ready to take on the world, I made a conscious effort try to share my own energy. I learned I didn't have to be on my own. I didn't have to do it by myself. I could count on that class to get me back on the right path. 

I am a bit uncertain about what happens now. Can I continue down this path without my fellow amazing students to hold me up when I need it? I am starting a yoga book club to hopefully invoke a similar sense of accountability and to bring people together who all love this lifestyle as well. But will it be enough? A year from now will I still have my daily practice? My meditation? I have no idea. I can only take it one day at a time, as I commence down this new path. 

 

First Class

This blog was started to chronicle my journey becoming a yoga teacher. Along the way I have gone on tangents, but today I want to bring it right back to the heart of the matter. Last night I was able to teach for the first time. Well, officially the second time, but it was my first real class.

The previous time I taught was at a Boys & Girls Club. There were only 5 girls between the ages of 7-12. They spent the entire time giggling, talking, putting in half effort, resting, cartwheeling, etc. So I don't really consider that teaching, it was more like babysitting.

My friend and fellow teacher training student, Michelle, set up this class with a local gymnastics club. There would be 2 classes - one with the gymnastics students and one with the coaches. We would take turns - each teaching one and assisting in the other. I really wanted the coaches class, because of my hellish experience with kids previously.

Michelle and I met and put together a flow and a playlist. We tried to incorporate everything we had learned up until this point - starting, building, intensifying, and using the fire inside. She mentioned me teaching first, which meant the student class. Crap. But I really wanted this experience and to get teaching.

I spent the next few days going over the class we had designed. I wanted to know it cold - no mistakes. As I drove to the class last night I ran through it outloud in my car. Thank goodness for handsfree phones nowadays so anyone passing me on the expressway probably assumed I was on the phone instead of talking to myself :)

Walking in I was pretty nervous. We were shown the room and got some mats ready. We figured out the stereo so our music was queued. And in walked the class. The girls seemed to range from 6 or 7 on up to early teens. Shoot. I had flashbacks of the unruly kids and the Boys & Girls Club. Suck it up, Jenn.

I got them in Child's Pose and a miraculous thing happened - they did it. No giggling. No looking around. No popping out of it after a moment. These girls had focus. When I started talking about deep breathing I saw their little backs rising and falling. They were listening! I spoke about stillness and saw their fidgeting stop. As we moved onto our first Sun Salutations, I saw real effort. It was amazing to watch these girls, so young, yet so disciplined.

We flowed through our Sun A's and Sun B's. Onto some balancing and deep lunging. Even during a Buddha Squat that would have broke most adults, they pushed through. These girls took Child's when needed - a brave move for anyone, admitting you need a break. Then they popped right back into the class. We had some fun with headstands, attempted an Inverted Lotus while in shoulderstand, and laid still in Savansa.

All in all, they were amazing. There is a saying that we are all eachother's students. Last night, I truly understood. Although I was the "teacher", I learned so much from that first class. They taught me how strong they could be. They taught me how humble they could be. They taught me how determined they could be. They made me recognize and retract my own judgements I had made about their age. What an incredible learning experience.

Can't wait for the next class!!!!

Run, Forest, Run!

A huge deciding factor in me quitting my job and working for myself was outdoor activities. I wanted to be able to take my dogs hiking or jump on my bike whenever I wanted. I hated wasting beautiful sunny days in a cubicle. I am that girl you pass on the yellow loop at Island Lake Rec Area with a goofy smile on her face while struggling to pedal up a "mountain." I know of a secret section no one else seems to where my dogs can run free while I run up and down huge sand dunes. This is what makes me happy. Feeling. Free. Fresh air. Sun. Dogs. Sweat. Play. Bike. Wind. Me. This is my church on a Sunday morning.

A few weeks ago, I saw an online posting for a Triathlon at the end of June. It was a beginner's one - just a 2 mile run, 9 mile bike, and 300 meter swim. I have never ran more than a few blocks, and haven't swam since high school gym class. But I signed up, thinking it would give me more of an excuse to "get into" running. 

For years and years all of my runner friends have told me how much I would love running once I got into it. They told me how amazing it is, how freeing. So I have tried. I have jogged here and there and hated it. I kept telling myself if I just push through I will love it. Too many people have promised me I would if I just kept it up. They couldn't all be wrong...right? 

For the past few weeks I have been trying. I can't do it with my dogs (they pull me off balance) so right there I felt myself getting negative and wishing I could be doing something to get them fresh air as well. But I pushed past it to keep trying. As I "run" (quoted since I actually run slower than my normal fast walk - lol) I just keep feeling the jarring sensation in my joints. The impact on my knees. My feet slapping against the ground. My lungs burning for more oxygen than my inhales can provide. It has been torture. I have not found one ounce of enjoyment out of it. Yet everyone says how wonderful it is, so I must just be a freak of nature. 

Then last weekend, I tried to put two of the activities together. First, I biked 9 miles. The trail was paved with lots of gradual hills, so I tried to push myself. I set a timer on my phone and began. Right off the bat, I found myself obsessed with the timer. I pushed myself and pushed myself. Instead of smelling the blooming lilacs, listening to the birds, seeing the bright green contrasting with the blue sky, I pedaled hard. Everything I loved about biking was gone. Instead of that satisfied, peaceful feeling I usually have when I end, I just had breathlessness and disappointment when I looked at my time. I loaded my bike into my car and started back down the trail at a jog. Within a few steps, I was heaving for air. I slowed to a walk and caught my breath. I started again, this time with my legs feelings like jelly. Walk, run, walk, run, walk, walk, walk. I did the 2 miles but it was hell (and majority walking).

Sitting in the car, I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of WTF. Here I was wasting a beautiful morning doing something I hated with every fiber of my being. Instead of feeling rejuvenated and de-stressed after an early morning at the park, I felt negative and disappointed and that I was a lesser person since I didn't thrive on this feeling of competition like most do. 

I get that things like this need to be worked up to. But I am beginning to question why I am even trying. I have so much in my life that brings me joy, why do I feel that I should be a good runner as well? Why do I want to complete a triathlon when I have always detested competitions? I like to grow, but I am not a huge believer in "no pain, no gain." Yoga, hiking, biking, kayaking, horse back riding, etc - these are all things I have enjoyed right from the start. My love of the activity is what has pushed me to grow and learn more. Not some competition. And certainly not anyone's opinion that I should enjoy it. 

There's a good chance I won't be doing the triathlon. But it has taught me how much I have in my life already. That in my busy life where I don't get much free time, it is silly to choose an activity I dislike over one I thoroughly enjoy. Stop choosing a path that makes you unhappy. Life's too short. 

Bonus!

My boyfriend hates the word "mucus." However, if I was forced to pick a theme that has stayed with me my entire life, that would be it. I was that kid. The one always stuffy and coughing. We affectionately called it the "Slis Nose" in our household because my dad and grandfather were the same way. Any slight temperature change in the weather and our sinuses would begin working overtime, resulting in extreme congestion. And in Michigan, the temperature changes on a daily basis - it isn't uncommon to go from 35 degree to 85 degrees over the course of a day. Therefore, congestion became the norm, with the only relief in the sporadic weeks Michigan held onto a consistent temperature for more than a few days at a time.

When I was little I would keep my family awake with my hacking. I have spent many nights walking around because the instant I laid down my closed off nose would suffocate me. I should have bought stock in Chapstick due to how much I needed it to offset my mouth-breathing. I have become resistant to just about every over-the-counter drug (although I had a good few years where Claritin gave me short-lived relief). I own a netty pot. I have a closet full of natural remedies (none of which work on me). I can often be found doing handstands at 4am because it will give me an instant of relief while the congestion rearranges itself. More than once I have had to pull over to the side of the road while driving because my nose was completely blocked and the drainage was choking me - so I would panic and have to chug water to get one airway open. And I get reprimanded in yoga a LOT for mouth-breathing - even though at those times I have no alternative.

I was in the store a few weeks ago waiting in the register line. The lady in front of me had the telltale red nose and 6 different kinds of decongestants in her cart. When she saw me looking she gave a sad smile and said "I love spring but hate the allergies it brings with it." It made me realize - I wasn't stuffy. Michigan has been fluctuating between 70 and 30 and then up to 90 degrees and I wasn't congested! Somewhere along the line, after 34 years, my sinuses stopped their attack and slowly receded. Thinking back, I believe the last time I had had sinus issues was back in Feb, and it was now almost June. This was by far the longest I had ever gone without the miserable feeling of sinus pressure and the inability to take deep breaths.

This got me thinking - what had I changed? That's when I realized the answer: my diet. I had cut out all dairy. Although I went vegan for compassionate reasons, it was actually helping me in a very tangible way as well. Bonus! Doctors had told my mom when I was a child to lessen my dairy when I had congestion problems, but I had never cut it out completely before. My dairyless lifestyle had just begun 6 months ago. My mucus-less lifestyle began just 1 month after that.

Since I have realized this the past few weeks, I have had constant gratitude for the deep breaths I am able to take. I am no longer tempted by ice cream because I just have to think about that horrible feeling of suffocation and the pressure making me feel like my head is going to explode. I am so in awe of how this yoga journey led me to fixing an issue I had assumed I would be living with the rest of my life.

I cannot express how immensely this will change my life. My quality of life. I know many of you think my changing to a vegan diet was extreme and unnecessary, but the benefits just keep coming. I know now, this is a lifestyle I will sustain for the rest of my life. And anyone else who has similar issues, I hope you give it a try. Drinking Almond Milk is so much better than hacking up a lung on a regular basis :)