Hi Ya!

Let's face it, we live in a pretty strict society. This isn't a political post about USA and freedom and such, I'm talking in more of a peer pressure sense. We (and I include myself 100% in this "we") care so much what other people think that we often push down our own needs and wants in order to "fit in".

Last week I took Alex to karate class. It is just a beginner's class, and the instructor began by saying "any of you moms you want to join in, please feel free." I really wanted to. I love learning new things and moving around screaming "hi ya!" seemed much more enjoyable than sitting on a hard plastic chair for an hour. But none of the other moms got up, so I stayed put. The entire class, I was thinking about this - wishing I had stood up and joined the kids in the line. But not wanting to be that "weird" lady who was punching and kicking with the 6 year olds. I wasn't ready to be labelled - especially being new in town and trying to grow a local business.

When did I begin to care so much what others thought over what I wanted? If I look at kids at various ages, it is clear to see the progression of societal influence. Babies don't care - they scream, throw, poop and dance when ever and where ever they want to. As the kids grow up we as parents try to help them fit in with society by letting them know when something is appropriate and when it isn't, which is essentially laying down the idea to conform to the majority. They take this idea to school where their peers are the majority and many begin to take it to extremes - either needing to be identical to everyone else or identical to no one else. And somewhere along the line we begin to balance out our version of "fitting in" and stop thinking about it - it just becomes our way of life.

What if we challenged it? How would our lives be different if we stepped back and recognized all of the things we do and don't do because of others? What would we do differently if we really listened to ourselves - what we wanted and didn't want? I am not talking about robbing banks here. Moreso the subtle things in our lives - like eating dessert when no one else wants any, or wearing a shirt your teenage daughter rolls her eyes at. Or learning how to do karate with a bunch of 6 year olds. Hmmm....

Layers

The park I teach free yoga at is along the Huron River.  It's a beautiful river that runs mostly through wilderness between a few area parks. This weekend, I brought my kayak to have a little fun after class. 

As class ended, I dragged my boat over to the river. I decided to paddle upstream for a while so by the time I was tired I could flow with the current. The first 10 minutes or so is through the city of Milford, so I saw cars, people walking dogs, and even some horses being ridden. As the river moved away from the city, the stillness and silence overwhelmed me. 

My teacher always says: "In stillness, we feel everything". This morning, that statement extended to all of my senses. It was almost like layers began to peel off, the deeper I went into the wilderness. First was my hearing. After a half hour or so, I began to realize that deafening silence actually wasn't silence at all. There were crickets, frogs, bird - an entire symphony of sounds! How did I miss that? How could I have not noticed these sounds from the start?

Next, a layer seemed to peel from my vision. What I saw moments earlier as stillness was actually a highly choreographed dance of birds and butterflies, tall grasses swaying, leaves being carried by the river. A dragonfly challenged me to a race, flying directly beside me for probably 3 full minutes before zipping off after deciding he had won. The logs I kept passing now held turtles sunning themselves. Were there turtles on the previous logs that I had just not noticed? How could I have not seen all of the activity in the day-to-day life of the river? How could I have thought of this as "stillness"?

My sense of touch heightened as well. I felt the breeze. I felt the spray of water from my paddle. The sun hitting my cheeks. Things I hadn't noticed before now consumed me. The smell of nature filled the air. Every sense felt alert and alive in a way it hadn't been when I had started my journey. 

We go through our days so overstimulated that we have to dull down our senses just to exist. Traffic becomes background noise we no longer hear.  We listen to music so loud it actually damages our eardrums, which forces us to listen to it louder. We hear kids playing and arguing, dogs barking, people talking. We watch TVs flashing from thistothattothis so quickly it would drive anyone actually giving it their full attention insane. We smell exhaust and pollution without even acknowledging it. 

It's no wonder we are no longer in tune with ourselves and eachother. This society has forced us to dull down any sensitivity we have if we hope to survive. This kayak trip showed me how badly I needed this sensory detox. I highly recommend taking a morning yourself to just get away. Find a corner of the Earth you can unwind and let down your guard. Get back in tune with your surroundings. Be still, be silent. See what you can notice that you never have before. 

Happy Birthday, TravelingOms.com

Part of what has been taking me away from my normal life this summer was an idea. The idea started when I was at the Midwest Yoga Conference. It was the first yoga conference I had been to and I never wanted it to end. Each session I went to I got higher and higher on this yoga cloud. Everyone was so friendly. The teachers and speakers spoke such wisdom. I was inspired for 72 straight hours.

Lying in Savasana during a Seane Corn class, I began to think about how I could bring this into my life on a regular basis. I loved my studio and teachers at home, but there is a heightened sense of self when you just live and breathe yoga for days on end. What could I do to make this part of my every day life? I shifted back to focusing on my breath and let the seed take hold where I had planted it.

Later that night I was talking to one of the girls who helped organize the conference. I mentioned what an amazing time I was having, and how wonderful all of the teachers were. I then asked her where she finds them. She told me they invite mostly the same teachers back year after year because there is not really a way for her to learn about other teachers besides word of mouth. She has to know someone's name to go look for their website and see what they are all about and if they are already booked during the conference. Something inside of me clicked.

A web developer by trade, I think in databases. Pretty much everything in my world is normalized and optimized to be most efficient. Immediately, the idea took form. I could build a website where yogis could put their profile to be considered for various events and conferences. It wouldn't even need to be just yoga teachers, it could be meditation guides, musicians, motivational speakers, nutritionists - anyone that had something to share with the yoga community! If I could get enough people to post a profile, I could market to all of the industry events as well as studios looking for new talent to lead workshops and gatherings. I could travel to industry events to both spread the word and blog about all of the events to get new teachers interested for next year. Before I even left the conference I had a name for the new path I was about to embark on: TravelingOms.com

I set out building TravelingOms.com 2 months ago. In my spare time I would code and design and test and code some more.  The response I have had from the small sampling of teachers I had sent it to was overwhelmingly positive. After what seemed like forever, it finally went live yesterday! Go check it out: http://www.TravelingOms.com. Over the next few weeks some of my Bent Yoga stuff may re-brand to TravelingOms. Be not afraid - its still me:)

While I am building up the database and working out any last minute bugs, it is completely free to post a profile. So if you have ever dreamed of traveling around sharing your wisdom and broadening your yoga community, go post your profile! Maybe I can help you fulfill your dream while you can help me fulfill mine :)  See you on TravelingOms.com!



http://www.travelingoms.com

Chicken ain't Nothin but a Bird

We went to a family reunion yesterday. It was held on a beautiful farm with a few horses, some fresh veggies and chickens running free all over the place. We saw Alex looking at the chickens and Kyle said "that's where your chicken nuggets comes from".

My sister's reaction really made me sad. As soon as Kyle said it, she was like "Ewww! Gross! Don't tell him that!" That right there is what is wrong with our society. It is ok to eat the animals, just not to acknowledge where your food came from? If the thought of equating a living animal with a meal is too gross to tell a 5 year old, shouldn't actually feeding them the meal be just as gross? I don't get it. It is almost like people feel if you don't think about it then the connection doesn't exist.

I feel like where my sister is coming from is where so many people come from. They get grossed out thinking that an animal may be alive and mooing one day then on their plate the next. This is because no one brought up the connection early on in their life, so they continue with the mentality that it is taboo to doso. Alex is not a vegetarian. He likes his chicken nuggets and occasionally a hamburger or fish sticks. But at every meal we discuss what it is he is eating, so he is making a conscious decision to eat something that was once living. When we see a cow or pig we make sure he knows that is the hamburger or bacon he eats. That way if he still chooses to eat it, he has that connection and maybe a little more appreciation that something gave its life for him to eat.

I wonder what sort of world we would live in if everyone took their head of out the sand. If they allowed themselves to make that connection between a living animal and food. Would they not consume quite as much meat? Would they have a little more compassion and a little more respect for the food they are eating? Maybe a little more appreciation? Try it and see. Have open discussions about where your food came from at dinnertime. And if you find it too gross or distasteful to have at the dinner table, shouldn't that tell you something?

Alex

Sometimes I get sad I found this yoga path so late - already well into my 30s. I think about how different my life might have been if I had learned to love myself more during those vain teens and 20s years. If I had had this confidence yoga inspires in me. If I had known what the word equanimity meant earlier in life.

I just dropped something a few moments ago upstairs. From down below I heard a child's voice: "Jenn, are you ok?!" and when I answered "yes" he responded "good, I just wanted to make sure I didn't need to kiss a boo boo". That's Alex, my boyfriend's 5 year old son who lost his mom a few years ago and lives with us full time. The response made me smile because it is so typical Alex. He is easily the most compassionate kid I have ever met.

I don't try to sway him to being vegan, but I also don't hide why I don't eat animals and we talk about being kind (to animals as well as people) a lot. He came home from daycare the other day saying "we learned about fishing today. I wasn't happy because it seems mean to put a hook through a poor fish. They're so much littler than you - is that what a bully is?" I told him yes, we are being a bully when we purposefully do things to hurt others.

He was having a few weeks where he started yelling at the teachers when they made him mad. We weren't sure what to do, since he is usually very respectful at home and doesn't yell at us.
On a whim (and because we were out of ideas), I started meditating with him - just 3 minutes each night. He giggles and squirms the first minute or two but usually by the last minute he is still. I talk to him about letting go of his thoughts. About feeling his breath on his upper lip. About noticing but not reacting to whatever it in his mind. I know it is a probably a bit over his head but I can only do what I know. One day he came home and said "I was good at daycare!" I asked what he did during his day and he said "there was 1 time I got mad when the teachers asked me to put my toys away." I asked "so did you yell at them?" and he said "no, I let it go".  I was like "what did you let go?" and he said "I just (took a deep breath in and deep breath out) and let it go. I wasn't mad anymore." I was floored.

If you ask him about pretty much any toy he has gotten in the past 2 years, he can tell you who gave it to him and when. He often brings this up out of the blue: "remember when grandma got me this stuffed animal for Christmas? That was really nice of her." or "Thank you for getting me this piggy bank for my birthday (last year)". Just random. One time, we were in the store and out of nowhere Alex proclaimed "I'm the luckiest boy!" When asked why he answered "because, I am" - who can argue with that?

I don't think there is a day that goes by that Alex doesn't ask if he can help me with something. And he is more consistent than I am with his Pleases and Thank You's. And since that first time in the store, the word "lucky" has made a daily appearance (he will get a juicebox out of the fridge and say "I'm really lucky to have juiceboxes. Some kids don't have them."). At dinner he always starts off conversation like a little adult saying "Dad, how was your day?" or "Jenn, did you have fun at yoga this morning?" There is a family yoga class coming up this month and he is SO excited to be able to come do yoga with me in the "big room" - he brings it up almost every day.

Looking at how compassionate, appreciative and respectful he is, I am realizing maybe yoga came into my life at just the right time. Having Alex around and old enough to comprehend when I would come home from teacher training class and talk about what we learned with my boyfriend might have made more of an impact on Alex than I thought. Being so new to things I think I speak of them a lot more than someone who has been living this way for decades already. My boyfriend has always been the extreme opposite (loves meat, very much about his own family unit and doesn't care what is happening to anyone else, etc) and even he is now choosing to shop at Trader Joe's and roll out a mat along side of mine every once in a while. 

I am beginning to see this journey isn't for me and my own life, but rather how I can inspire others to live similarly. It was brought into my life when I could share it most. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. So blessed to have these people in my life to share in my journey.

Judgements

Teaching yoga is still a daunting task for me. I don't know what it is - the public speaking, the not knowing what is going inside the heads of the students (are they bored? is it too easy? too hard?), the constant mixup between right and left sides :) I feel like I haven't yet perfected the line between talking too much and not enough. So I decided to set up a free class in a park to get some more experience. 

I got to the park about a half hour early. Laid out my mat and radio and started stretching. Almost immediately, 3 high school students came and sat right by where I was at. They were dressed all in black, one with a Mohawk, all with piercings and cigarettes hanging out of their mouth. Your typical rebellious teens. I am embarrassed to admit, I immediately judged them. My first thought was "keep an eye on my mp3 player".

Since they sat so close to where I was, I decided to extend an invite to them, letting them know a free yoga class was going to start soon and they were welcome to join. To my surprise, they were like "maybe we will", but I didn't really expect it. They kinda sauntered to the other side of the park and I figured my invitation scared them away.

I had a few people show up to class (thanks for coming, girls!) and we got started. A few minutes into class, the teens came back. To my surprise, 2 of them got down on the ground and joined in! They continued to follow my instructions. Not mocking or making fun, but really putting in an effort. I was floored. One of them only stayed about half way through class then got up to greet another teen that had wandered in. But the other one stayed the entire class. I couldn't believe how much he was trying (and actually accomplishing). 

After class, the one who had stayed came up to talk to me. He asked when I would be doing it again, because he had really enjoyed it and would like to do more yoga. Without access to a computer, he gave me his cell phone number and I promised to text him the next time I was going to teach a class in the park. I felt completely ashamed that I had judged them so harshly just 60 minutes before. After talking to him you could tell he was a good kid just being a typical teen. A few piercings, shaved sides of head and black clothes do not make a bad person.  It taught me how much further I still have to go on this journey.

Since then, I have been very conscious as to mentally note when I judge someone. I want to stop labeling people in my head. I want to have a completely open mind when I meet someone, to see who they are on the inside without any preconceived notions based on their appearance or things I have heard previously. This is a tough lesson, but one I believe will pay off immensely. Connecting with another being is the most important thing in this world. And by stopping my judgments, I increase the amount of people available for me to sincerely connect with. Can't wait to teach my next class and see if they show up again! 

Separate Lives

I haven't been blogging as frequently as before, and I have really missed it. I think the reason is that I have been having a hard time balancing my 3 lives - my Work Life, my Yoga Life and my Family Life.

When I was in Teacher Training, my Yoga Life took precedence. I had so much homework, so many responsibilities related to yoga, that my brain was constantly focused on that. In the sparse free time, my brain was still dialed into yoga so I was bursting with inspiration and had to write it down before I exploded.

When I was in Teacher Training, my Family Life definitely suffered. I rarely saw my boys (my boyfriend and his 5 yr old son) even though we live together. Seems like I was always rushing out the door, holing up in my office to do homework, or coming to bed so exhausted I could barely even whisper good night.

Now that I am out of Teacher Training, it seems like my Yoga Life has taken a back seat to my Work Life. I have been putting in a gazillion hours on a project I care nothing about to pay the bills and spending any spare time working on a project I care immensely about that isn't yet paying the bills (but has potential to in the future). Again, I find myself putting my Family Life on hold - turning down invitations to spend time with people I love in exchange for the dream I have of one day taking the project I am passionate about all the way.

I justify it by telling myself and others that as soon as I can get this project off the ground I will have a multitude of time to spend with everyone, as I will no longer have to take on time consuming yet dull projects-that-pay-the-bills. This is such a conundrum for me. I know "life is what happens when you're busy making plans" but at the same time, I am the type of person who needs goals and aspirations and will never be happy just working for someone else for the next 30 years.

While Work Life has a firm grasp on me, my Yoga Life also suffers. I am keeping up my daily practice, but the inspiration and motivation I felt on such a regular basis during Teacher Training has now subsided into random spurts. I miss that feeling. My side project has the opportunity to combine my Work Life and my Yoga Life so I can get back to living that lifestyle 100% of the time - no more ridiculous client demands and unavoidable office politics.

I've been pondering this a lot lately. If I give my Family Life the attention it deserves right now, I may be passing on an opportunity to merge my Work Life and Yoga Life together which would make a ton more room for Family Life in the future. Yet, what if there is no tomorrow? What if all of the time I am spending on Work away from my family and friends is all I get?

I don't have some clear cut lesson or conclusion. I am just going in circles on how much should I prepare for the life I want to live vs how much effort should be put into the life I am actually living today? I guess only time will tell.....

 

Sassy Chassi

Just got a call that I wasn't prepared for. Growing up, horses were my life. Long before we were thinking about boys or clothes, my neighbor Tif and I were 'training' her pony licorice. I remember being so proud riding one of her horses Sally by myself down the road - up until she spooked and raced home with me dragging behind, foot caught in stirrup and head flopping on the ground. Tif's mom, Carol, made me hurry up and get right back, knowing if she didnt before my mom (who had witnessed the whole thing and was deathly afraid of horses) got there I would probably never ride again.

While we were in high school, Carol added another horse to her barn. Although named Chassi, she was just as often called Sassy Chassi. She was young, and full of spit and vinegar. I remember sitting for hours trying to get her take a bit. I hadn't realized there was someone more stubborn than I was! She would stick her nose so high I had to stand on the trampoline just to reach her. The day she calmly opened her mouth for the bit, tears welled up in my eyes. I hadn't ever, to this day, felt more accomplished about anything.

She stayed true to her name - dumping our trainer more than once with her bucking bronco routines. Riding her became a dance - my right heel in, her left hind leg kick out, my left heel in, her head tossing around. Round and round we would dance, her ears perked and alert, betraying the "bad horse" act she was trying to put on. There is not a doubt in my mind she enjoyed those rides as much as I did.

Depending on her rider, she would adjust her attitude. If it was a child, unsure of themselves, she would plod around the ring like a trustworthy pony, taking care to not stumble or go too fast. Then an experienced rider would get on her and she would race around crow-hopping to her hearts' content.

Chassi was smarter than any horse I had ever met. Not only would she find ways to escape her own stall at night, but she would often "free" all of her friends from their stalls as well. When new horses came into the barn, she became "mom", protecting them from the bullies. She would sit for hours while I untangled her mane, just loving the attention. Year after year she would surprise us with her depth, wisdom and awesome personality.

The call I just received was that she passed away. So many memories attached to that amazing mare. On one side, I am overwhelmed with the guilt of having moved on with my life and not being around her as much as I should have been these last few years. On the other side, she was so well loved and had such a great long life, I should feel honored just to have played a small part at all.

Chassi was an amazing soul. She will be missed by many.

Thank you, Chassi, for all of your lessons and love that you shared so generously with all of us.

Professor Mosquito

Father's Day was perfect - spending time with my family at my sister's house. We hung out by her pool while the boys played with the 4-wheeler, go cart, and golf cart. It was an amazing day spent entirely outside with family. But there were additional guests as well - mosquitoes. I was having so much fun I didn't realize how many had crashed our party until I was in the car on the way home. Within the first mile of driving home, I realized I had a gazillion mosquito bites on my right foot. Okay, so in reality it was 4. But they were strategically placed on the bottom, top, by the heel and by my toes so that my entire foot felt inflamed and itchy. SOOOO itchy!

I would hit the gas pedal then quickly pick up my foot so I could scratch it. Then hit the gas pedal. Then itch. It made for a very bumpy ride and more than once I had to quickly correct before hitting the curb. I was thisclose to switching with my boyfriend so he could drive home and I could tear my foot apart, when I decided to make this into a challenge.

Yoga has taught me everything is impermanent, and that reaction is unnecessary. Things will change on their own, I just need to be mentally strong enough to hold on. To not give in. I issued a challenge to myself to not scratch my foot the entire rest of the way home.

Never have I had to come to my breath more than that car ride. The itching became so insistent it was painful.  I was getting shooting pains coming from my foot all of the way up my leg. My brain was BEGGING me to just give it a little scratch. I refused. My foot and leg kept tensing, which made it worse. I had to talk my brain into easing up on the muscles. I tried talking to my boyfriend to get my mind off of it, didn't help. I turned up the radio. Still there. I came to my breath over and over, focusing on that little part of my upper lip where I could feel a slight wisp of air. Nada. The pain became unbearable. I began to imagine each breath in was going straight to my foot and grabbing a little bit of the itch, then racing back up my body in my exhale to release that itch outside my body. Like someone trying to empty the ocean with a pail, my breath kept taking tiny pieces of that itch away.

The car ride was 40 minutes, and it felt like 3 times that. But I slowly got into a rhythm. Breathe in slow, send it to the foot, breathe out slow, picture some of the itch leaving my body. I acknowledged this pain was completely mental - if I could get control over my mind I could lessen my discomfort. I was more focused than I ever had been before. About 30 minutes in, miraculously, the itch began to subside. I was scared to actually think about it because I figured it would come back, but I found I wasn't tensing up as much. It became bearable. It went from something I couldn't handle to the distractions I feel in meditation and Savasana that are noticed but easily not reacted to.

By the time I pulled into my driveway, I was okay. They still itched, but it wasn't the intense, going-to-tear-my-foot-off type of itching anymore. In fact, I didn't even scratch them until later that night. Between unloading the car, letting the dogs out, etc, they had lost their hold over me. Only once I was sitting down relaxing did the sensations come back and I allowed myself a quick scratch.   

It is amazing how yoga teaches us to be in control of ourselves. This may seem like a simple example, but to me it was a huge triumph. I resisted reaction in a situation stronger than I ever had before. My yoga teacher always says "You are in training. For what, you may not know just yet. But you are in training." That statement came true during that car ride. I was a warrior. I was focused. I was strong. I had faith that things would change. I took on my brain and won. And it felt amazing. I urge everyone to start noticing when your brain has control over you, and to fight it. To breathe instead of react. We are all in training. Something as simple as triumphing over mosquito bites will train me to keep my cool when faced with an intense situation later. Just like working out your body - every rep adds minuscule benefits but together all of the reps and all of the workouts increase physical strength - so it is with mental training as well. These tiny moments where you can test your mental strength add up together to truly make a difference.

Bionic Woman

I LOVED this scene while watching Scott Pilgrim vs The World a few months ago:

Little did I know how accurate it would be! Ok, so no, my eyes don't glow and my hair doesn't smoke. I doubt I could throw a person through a wall without even touching them (realistically, I couldn't do it even with touching them). But whether it is the veganism or the yoga or the combination of both, something amazing is happening to my body. 

I already wrote about my sinuses now being completely normal after 34 years of hell. There are so many other things I am noticing as well. I have had issues with my weight for years. I have always been an active person, but I have stayed on the same weight plateau since high school (20 years!). For the first time, I am crushing that barrier. Although I'm sure the exercise helps, I attribute it more to the fact that I rarely ever have cravings anymore.  I used to go into the kitchen for just anything. Out of boredom, hunger, whatever. I was a muncher. Now I have such stable bloodsugar that that urge has all but disappeared. When I'm hungry I can tell when my body now switches over to its storage instead of releasing the urge into my brain. It is pretty amazing to actually feel my body working correctly. On the occasion I do have an urge to snack, I can now recognize it as such and have the willpower to hold off until the moment passes. I will never be a skinny-minny, but feeling good in my clothes starts off my days on the right foot.

Additionally, I have always been a nail-biter. Well, nail chewer is more like it. Just recently I have realized I am having a hard time keeping up with my chewing - my nails are growing so fast! I will chew one off and two days later there's a 1/4 inch of white again. I am slowly breaking that habit because it is becoming a bit too much work - lol. I actually cut my nails for the first time yesterday - huge milestone for me. 

Then, last weekend, we went out drinking to celebrate the end of teacher training. After not having drank alcohol for 12 weeks, I was a bit worried. Even before I had quit drinking, 1 or 2 drinks would always result in at minimum a headache the next day. More than 2 and I would be bowing to the porcelain God. My body didn't take well to poison. I left the next day a bit open to nurse my hangover. I lived it up that night - having 5 or 6 mixed drinks and 2 shots. We stayed out until probably 2 or 3am (my usual bedtime: 10pm). I woke up around 7am, really scared to move. I was feeling ok just laying there, but I really really had to use the bathroom. I was scared as soon as I got up the full force of the hangover would come crashing down. I slipped out of bed....nothing. Walked down the stairs....still nothing. In fact, I felt great! I ended up putting the dogs in the car and heading to the park - where we walked 4 miles worth of mountain bike trails before 10am! I am not sure what happened, but somehow my body was able to process the alcohol and efficiently remove it, resulting in no hangover whatsoever! I truly felt like a SuperHero when I came back home and my boyfriend was still in bed moaning and groaning about how hung over he was :)

After my walk, I decided to get a jump on some chores I wanted done. I began by clearing a section of lawn for a patio. It was a fairly large section - digging up the grass, hauling the grass patches to the other side of the yard, smoothing out the ground. It took me about 4 hours of hard and heavy labor - all while my boyfriend slept off his hangover inside. I had already planned on not going to yoga the next day since I knew I would be so sore I wouldn't be able to move. However, the next morning, I jumped out of bed rearing to go. Not a sore muscle to be found. Huh?! I was doing heavy lifting for such a long time period, and I wasn't sore???!  My daily practice must have prepared my body for anything that could be thrown at it. 

These are just a few of the many side effects courtesy of my new Vegan diet and daily yoga lifestyle. I cannot believe how transformed I feel. I feel Strong. I feel Healthy. I feel Amazing. I had no clue how much my old bad habits were holding my body back. It feels like my body has now "clicked" and is working the way it was intended to. What bad habits are keeping your body from reaching its peak potential?

Commencement

We all know Commencement, the noun, as another word for Graduation, or ending a chapter in our lives. We also know the verb form, "to commence" refers to beginning something. I have never felt the full impact of this union of opposites until last Wednesday, our last day of Yoga Teacher Training. On one side YTT is ending, yet on the other I am beginning a new life, where I get accepted into this yoga teacher community.

During our last class, we had to go around the circle and speak about what we have gotten out of the training program. There was so much, I had no idea what I was going to say. So I thought about it for a while. I got motivation, inspiration, knowledge, a regular practice, meditation, - the list could go on for days. I tried to boil everything down into 1 thought. What was the underlying least common denominator? Connectedness.

I am someone who has always lived by the motto "if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself." I know that sounds horrible, but it had been proven true time and time again. I take charge and get things done. I rarely lean on anyone. I am an island.

Yet, I found in YTT I did a lot more leaning than I had ever imagined. The training required many personal lifestyle changes: no drinking, daily practice, daily meditation, daily yoga meal, daily gratitude journal, weekly class observations, etc. I would love to say I completely made over my life that first week to accommodate them all like it was no big deal. But making that many changes all at once, in addition to changing my eating habits to vegan, got overwhelming. And not just at first. I would be a stellar student some weeks and slack off on others. I found on the weeks when I missed a few yoga practices it was so much easier to miss even more. It also made it so much easier to slow down on all of the other requirements - skipping meditation here and yoga meals there. But there was one constant throughout it all: when I would go to YTT class each week, I was motivated to start again. Didn't matter how far I had dropped off.

YTT class became a place I could re-energize my commitment to living this lifestyle. If I came in weak, I could lean on the energy in the room to refuel. I could feel how connected I was to everyone else. And how generous they were to share their prana with me. On the weeks I came in stronger and ready to take on the world, I made a conscious effort try to share my own energy. I learned I didn't have to be on my own. I didn't have to do it by myself. I could count on that class to get me back on the right path. 

I am a bit uncertain about what happens now. Can I continue down this path without my fellow amazing students to hold me up when I need it? I am starting a yoga book club to hopefully invoke a similar sense of accountability and to bring people together who all love this lifestyle as well. But will it be enough? A year from now will I still have my daily practice? My meditation? I have no idea. I can only take it one day at a time, as I commence down this new path. 

 

First Class

This blog was started to chronicle my journey becoming a yoga teacher. Along the way I have gone on tangents, but today I want to bring it right back to the heart of the matter. Last night I was able to teach for the first time. Well, officially the second time, but it was my first real class.

The previous time I taught was at a Boys & Girls Club. There were only 5 girls between the ages of 7-12. They spent the entire time giggling, talking, putting in half effort, resting, cartwheeling, etc. So I don't really consider that teaching, it was more like babysitting.

My friend and fellow teacher training student, Michelle, set up this class with a local gymnastics club. There would be 2 classes - one with the gymnastics students and one with the coaches. We would take turns - each teaching one and assisting in the other. I really wanted the coaches class, because of my hellish experience with kids previously.

Michelle and I met and put together a flow and a playlist. We tried to incorporate everything we had learned up until this point - starting, building, intensifying, and using the fire inside. She mentioned me teaching first, which meant the student class. Crap. But I really wanted this experience and to get teaching.

I spent the next few days going over the class we had designed. I wanted to know it cold - no mistakes. As I drove to the class last night I ran through it outloud in my car. Thank goodness for handsfree phones nowadays so anyone passing me on the expressway probably assumed I was on the phone instead of talking to myself :)

Walking in I was pretty nervous. We were shown the room and got some mats ready. We figured out the stereo so our music was queued. And in walked the class. The girls seemed to range from 6 or 7 on up to early teens. Shoot. I had flashbacks of the unruly kids and the Boys & Girls Club. Suck it up, Jenn.

I got them in Child's Pose and a miraculous thing happened - they did it. No giggling. No looking around. No popping out of it after a moment. These girls had focus. When I started talking about deep breathing I saw their little backs rising and falling. They were listening! I spoke about stillness and saw their fidgeting stop. As we moved onto our first Sun Salutations, I saw real effort. It was amazing to watch these girls, so young, yet so disciplined.

We flowed through our Sun A's and Sun B's. Onto some balancing and deep lunging. Even during a Buddha Squat that would have broke most adults, they pushed through. These girls took Child's when needed - a brave move for anyone, admitting you need a break. Then they popped right back into the class. We had some fun with headstands, attempted an Inverted Lotus while in shoulderstand, and laid still in Savansa.

All in all, they were amazing. There is a saying that we are all eachother's students. Last night, I truly understood. Although I was the "teacher", I learned so much from that first class. They taught me how strong they could be. They taught me how humble they could be. They taught me how determined they could be. They made me recognize and retract my own judgements I had made about their age. What an incredible learning experience.

Can't wait for the next class!!!!

Run, Forest, Run!

A huge deciding factor in me quitting my job and working for myself was outdoor activities. I wanted to be able to take my dogs hiking or jump on my bike whenever I wanted. I hated wasting beautiful sunny days in a cubicle. I am that girl you pass on the yellow loop at Island Lake Rec Area with a goofy smile on her face while struggling to pedal up a "mountain." I know of a secret section no one else seems to where my dogs can run free while I run up and down huge sand dunes. This is what makes me happy. Feeling. Free. Fresh air. Sun. Dogs. Sweat. Play. Bike. Wind. Me. This is my church on a Sunday morning.

A few weeks ago, I saw an online posting for a Triathlon at the end of June. It was a beginner's one - just a 2 mile run, 9 mile bike, and 300 meter swim. I have never ran more than a few blocks, and haven't swam since high school gym class. But I signed up, thinking it would give me more of an excuse to "get into" running. 

For years and years all of my runner friends have told me how much I would love running once I got into it. They told me how amazing it is, how freeing. So I have tried. I have jogged here and there and hated it. I kept telling myself if I just push through I will love it. Too many people have promised me I would if I just kept it up. They couldn't all be wrong...right? 

For the past few weeks I have been trying. I can't do it with my dogs (they pull me off balance) so right there I felt myself getting negative and wishing I could be doing something to get them fresh air as well. But I pushed past it to keep trying. As I "run" (quoted since I actually run slower than my normal fast walk - lol) I just keep feeling the jarring sensation in my joints. The impact on my knees. My feet slapping against the ground. My lungs burning for more oxygen than my inhales can provide. It has been torture. I have not found one ounce of enjoyment out of it. Yet everyone says how wonderful it is, so I must just be a freak of nature. 

Then last weekend, I tried to put two of the activities together. First, I biked 9 miles. The trail was paved with lots of gradual hills, so I tried to push myself. I set a timer on my phone and began. Right off the bat, I found myself obsessed with the timer. I pushed myself and pushed myself. Instead of smelling the blooming lilacs, listening to the birds, seeing the bright green contrasting with the blue sky, I pedaled hard. Everything I loved about biking was gone. Instead of that satisfied, peaceful feeling I usually have when I end, I just had breathlessness and disappointment when I looked at my time. I loaded my bike into my car and started back down the trail at a jog. Within a few steps, I was heaving for air. I slowed to a walk and caught my breath. I started again, this time with my legs feelings like jelly. Walk, run, walk, run, walk, walk, walk. I did the 2 miles but it was hell (and majority walking).

Sitting in the car, I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of WTF. Here I was wasting a beautiful morning doing something I hated with every fiber of my being. Instead of feeling rejuvenated and de-stressed after an early morning at the park, I felt negative and disappointed and that I was a lesser person since I didn't thrive on this feeling of competition like most do. 

I get that things like this need to be worked up to. But I am beginning to question why I am even trying. I have so much in my life that brings me joy, why do I feel that I should be a good runner as well? Why do I want to complete a triathlon when I have always detested competitions? I like to grow, but I am not a huge believer in "no pain, no gain." Yoga, hiking, biking, kayaking, horse back riding, etc - these are all things I have enjoyed right from the start. My love of the activity is what has pushed me to grow and learn more. Not some competition. And certainly not anyone's opinion that I should enjoy it. 

There's a good chance I won't be doing the triathlon. But it has taught me how much I have in my life already. That in my busy life where I don't get much free time, it is silly to choose an activity I dislike over one I thoroughly enjoy. Stop choosing a path that makes you unhappy. Life's too short. 

Bonus!

My boyfriend hates the word "mucus." However, if I was forced to pick a theme that has stayed with me my entire life, that would be it. I was that kid. The one always stuffy and coughing. We affectionately called it the "Slis Nose" in our household because my dad and grandfather were the same way. Any slight temperature change in the weather and our sinuses would begin working overtime, resulting in extreme congestion. And in Michigan, the temperature changes on a daily basis - it isn't uncommon to go from 35 degree to 85 degrees over the course of a day. Therefore, congestion became the norm, with the only relief in the sporadic weeks Michigan held onto a consistent temperature for more than a few days at a time.

When I was little I would keep my family awake with my hacking. I have spent many nights walking around because the instant I laid down my closed off nose would suffocate me. I should have bought stock in Chapstick due to how much I needed it to offset my mouth-breathing. I have become resistant to just about every over-the-counter drug (although I had a good few years where Claritin gave me short-lived relief). I own a netty pot. I have a closet full of natural remedies (none of which work on me). I can often be found doing handstands at 4am because it will give me an instant of relief while the congestion rearranges itself. More than once I have had to pull over to the side of the road while driving because my nose was completely blocked and the drainage was choking me - so I would panic and have to chug water to get one airway open. And I get reprimanded in yoga a LOT for mouth-breathing - even though at those times I have no alternative.

I was in the store a few weeks ago waiting in the register line. The lady in front of me had the telltale red nose and 6 different kinds of decongestants in her cart. When she saw me looking she gave a sad smile and said "I love spring but hate the allergies it brings with it." It made me realize - I wasn't stuffy. Michigan has been fluctuating between 70 and 30 and then up to 90 degrees and I wasn't congested! Somewhere along the line, after 34 years, my sinuses stopped their attack and slowly receded. Thinking back, I believe the last time I had had sinus issues was back in Feb, and it was now almost June. This was by far the longest I had ever gone without the miserable feeling of sinus pressure and the inability to take deep breaths.

This got me thinking - what had I changed? That's when I realized the answer: my diet. I had cut out all dairy. Although I went vegan for compassionate reasons, it was actually helping me in a very tangible way as well. Bonus! Doctors had told my mom when I was a child to lessen my dairy when I had congestion problems, but I had never cut it out completely before. My dairyless lifestyle had just begun 6 months ago. My mucus-less lifestyle began just 1 month after that.

Since I have realized this the past few weeks, I have had constant gratitude for the deep breaths I am able to take. I am no longer tempted by ice cream because I just have to think about that horrible feeling of suffocation and the pressure making me feel like my head is going to explode. I am so in awe of how this yoga journey led me to fixing an issue I had assumed I would be living with the rest of my life.

I cannot express how immensely this will change my life. My quality of life. I know many of you think my changing to a vegan diet was extreme and unnecessary, but the benefits just keep coming. I know now, this is a lifestyle I will sustain for the rest of my life. And anyone else who has similar issues, I hope you give it a try. Drinking Almond Milk is so much better than hacking up a lung on a regular basis :)

Upside Down

I am somewhat of an inversion junkie. For some reason, feeling that stacking of bones while blood rushes to my head gets me more tipsy than a few Captain & Diets. I remember the first time I felt stable in headstand - I never wanted to come down! It just felt so...so....good. My cheeks hurt for 2 days from the resulting perma-grin.

That said, I am really bad at inversions. Handstand and forearm balance are those pie-in-the-sky poses for me. I really WANT to be good at them, yet I can't get the stacking feeling. I always seems to kick up too hard or too soft - a lot of it depending on where I am at. Put me in front of a wall and I put too much power into my kick so the wall catches me. Put me in the middle of the room and my lack of confidence stops me from putting in enough oomph to get my legs over my hips.

Naturally, I picked any class at the Midwest Yoga Conference that even so much as mentioned the word "inversion" in its description. I was so excited - I wanted to drink in whatever I could to help me out. First up was Brock and Krista Cahill's Bouancy Control class that promised to teach us how to be lighter and get up into those inversions. It went something like this: boat, crunches, boat, crunches, handstand, boat, crunches, chair, chair, chair, boat, crunches, crunches, boat, boat, push ups, boat, handstand, boat, etc. In other words, almost no inversions! I was a little bummed seeing as I had gone in with the expectation of spending half the class upside down (that will teach me to not go into a class with expectations!). It was a good class, just way too much core work for my taste.

Fast forward to Les Leventhal's Arm Balancing and Inversions class the next afternoon. He had us pull our mats to the wall and proceeded to work on all different variations of inversions. About the 3rd or 4th time I went up, I began to notice something - I was no longer falling to the wall! I was catching my legs instead of letting them fall back to the wall. I was balancing! Feeling brave, I moved my mat to the middle of the room. There I proceeded to stick out some of the inversions for multiple breaths sans wall - something I had never had the confidence to even try before!

And that is when it hit me - it wasn't the arm balancing class that brought me to this, it was all of that core work the day before. The core work from Brock and Krista is what gave me the strength to feel in control while upside down. What I was frustrated with is really what I needed to get to this point. I finally was able to "get" and appreciate yesterday's class.

So many times, we want the end result but don't want to put in the hard work to get there. We want a magic pill. We want to skip the unpleasant parts and just get to the pot of gold. But there usually is no secret short cut. This set of classes taught me that. Just a little effort during the journey can make all of the difference in the world. I am by no means an inversion professional, but just feeling that slight stacking in Les' class was enough to make me appreciate the work I need to do to get there permanently. In classes this week I found myself amping up the effort during the postures I tend to back off on - crunches, boat, chaturunga, pushups, plank, etc. Those core poses that are uncomfortable and unpleasant. It finally sunk in that to make my end goal - confident inversions - a reality, I need to really work on my core strength. What used to be dreaded is now a huge opportunity to push myself farther. Next time you find yourself backing off of something, try to look at the big picture. Try putting in 110% even if you are uncomfortable and annoyed - everything prepares us for something. What is your next unpleasant situation preparing you for?

If I Only Had 24 Hours to Live.....

Taking a quick break from my MYC posts (there are more coming) to finish up a bit of homework for class. This week's assignment includes writing an essay on "If I only had 24 hours to live".

To some, having 24 hours left to live might mean freedom. Freedom to go do things they wanted to but for some reason never found the time to - like sky diving. Or for buying things such as a sports car to enjoy one last thrill. But when I really reflected upon what I would do, it always came back to my loved ones. How could I make this easier on them? I have lived an amazing and complete life and there really isn't anything else I need except to know that my loved ones will be ok without me.

That said, I would probably have a party. I would want to get everyone I loved together and spend those last 24 hours making sure everyone knew how much I loved them. How much they impacted my life. How much I will miss them. So often the only time everyone you love gets together is for a funeral, so I guess this would be a pre-funeral. But I would get to be there and create final memories with everyone who means something to me. I would want it all recorded so if anyone was sad they could look back and watch how in love with life I was and how important the people in my life were to me. After this party, I could go in peace, knowing there was nothing left unsaid, there were no questions in anyone's mind.

Life isn't about the "stuff" you accumulate. It isn't even about the memories, since who knows if you will get to keep them after you die. It is about connecting with someone else and letting that connection carry on after you are gone. To me, that is what life is about. How long your legacy lives on.

Dieter's Anonymous

One of my favorite lectures while at the Midwest Yoga Conference was, ironically, not about yoga at all. It was about "dieting." I could be the spokesperson for Dieters Anonymous. All my life I have struggled with the fact I eat healthy and exercise, yet am not the skinny-mini some of my friend are. So when I saw
HEALING THE CAUSE OF WEIGHT GAIN WITH AYURVEDA with JOHN DOUILLARD I know I had to go.

His first point negated everything I had been told, so I started out skeptical. He made a bold statement: that eating 2-3 meals is better than 6-7 small ones throughout the day. Bull. I had heard time and time again about how "grazing" throughout the day is so much better for us because it doesn't allow our bloodsugar to drop.  But I slowly realized that was his point. If we regulate our bloodsugar manually ourselves with food, why do our bodies have to do anything?

My mind started to ponder this. If I feed my body constantly, why would it have to burn off anything stored? It wouldn't. And that is the point most of us "habitually thick" people are at. Our bodies know we will keep feeding it throughout the day so it stores any excess but never has to dip into those stores because we keep the food coming. All it has to do is give a little growl and boom, more food. Oftentimes we eat even before the growl. Dr. Douillard was saying that the body will wake up and start burning fat once we give it a chance to. But we never give it a chance to learn this, so it gets stuck in shutdown mode and just bangs on the table for more food instead of doing any work once the food is gone. Once we can teach our body to start seamlessly jumping between burning off the food in our stomach then the fat in our stores, our bloodsugar will remain constant by itself - without our manual intervention - and we will lose weight. We will no longer crave quick "pick-me-ups" such as coffee and chocolate because the body will immediately switch over to the fat stores in our body instead of demanding we feed it.

So this sounds kinda starving ourselves - right? Not at all. His premise is all about WHEN to eat, not really WHAT to eat (at least for this part of the lecture). Without all of the technicals he gave, the way to reset your bloodsuger to self-regulate is by following this plan:

• Eat enough breakfast that it will hold you through to lunch - no snacking!
• Eat a larger and preferably warm/cooked lunch. This should be your largest meal. Again, no snacking until dinner so fill up.
• Eat a very small, light dinner - like a salad.
• Eat nothing else until breakfast.
• Drink 1/2 your body weight in oz of room temperature water per day
• Sip on hot water throughout the day (long explanation why that I don't have room to go into and not even sure if I remember it correctly)

You should work towards finishing up all eating before 6pm. That gives your body enough time to fully digest the days worth of food so by the time you go to sleep your body isn't burning anything except fat stores. Having food in your stomach when you fall asleep, means you just burn that throughout the night. Stick to this for a few months and you will see your bloodsugar stabilize and your cravings disappear. Hmmm.....that kinda makes sense.

Although I got into a bit more detail than I had planned on, this blog is not about trying to convince you to follow this diet. It is more about understanding that even 34 years of diet research may not be sufficient to know everything. This talk took me from a skeptic to a believer (of course, he had 2 hours worth of charts and technical terms and whiteboard doodles). For you, I hope it just gives you one more perspective on something many of us feel we are experts on already, having dieted most of our lives. If we keep questioning, we keep learning. And isn't that what life is about - constantly learning and growing?

Midwest Yoga Conference

Wow. That's all I have to say. I just got back last night from the Midwest Yoga Conference and it was so much more than I had imagined. I learned so many things that in themselves will become individual blog topics, but just wanted to take a moment to give a quick overview of the conference as a whole.

It started when my Yoga Teacher Training teacher, Jonny Kest, offered complimentary tickets to our entire class. Being somewhat new to the yoga community, I admit I had to research some of the names that others already viewed as Rock Stars. Once I got a glimpse of their immense wisdom and track records, I knew this was an opportunity I just couldn't pass up.

As the weekend drew nearer, I really wasn't sure what to expect. Will it be 6 hours of intense sweaty yoga each day (and if it was, could I survive it?!?!)? Will it be mainly lectures? Will I feel out of place? Will everyone be pretzel-like except me? There was some comfort in the fact other students from my class were going - so at least I wouldn't be completely alone. But it was still pretty nerve-wracking (especially not knowing what to pack!).

We drove the 5 hours to the conference with both fear and excitement. But the fear was unfounded. During the conference, there was a mixture of pretzels and rods, of physical and mental, of inspiration and perspiration. The energy was infectious. The thing about yoga is it is all-accepting. And I have never before experienced what non-judgement feels like in such a large group. All body types, all knowledge levels, all different personalities coming together to learn from each other and accept each other as-is. The teachers were not only approachable, but seemed to want to learn from us as well. There were no egos, just gratitude so thick it was palpable.

The largest lesson I learned (which is saying a lot since I learned so much) is that it IS possible to live a yoga life in the real world. These people were not just putting on their good behavior for the conference, they truly were that happy and non-judgmental and egoless. In a world where we define our worth based on possessions, people at this conference had broken through the societal teachings to value each other's spirit instead of their size of their house. Can you even imagine living that way? Pick up lines in a bar would shift from "what kind of car do you drive?" to "who have you hugged lately?" - lol! It is so ingrained in our brain to base our impressions on external criteria that walking into this mini-world where people viewed you as valuable just for being you was really....different. In a good way.

Feeling this complete acceptance and meeting so many wonderful amazing people has cemented in my mind that I truly am exactly where I am supposed to be.

The Butterfly Effect

butterfly effectn(Physics / General Physics) the idea, used in chaos theory, that a very small difference in the initial state of a physical system can make a significant difference to the state at some later time
[from the theory that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world might ultimately cause a hurricane in another part of the world

Today in class, I had the good fortune of experiencing the Butterfly Effect in full force. Heat cranked up, we flowed seamlessly from Sun A to Sun B, building an internal fire akin to Mount Vesuvius. Sweat pouring out, cleansing, detoxifying, we launched into our third flow. As we hit our first Chaturanga, I felt a breeze. That didn't seem right - we were still building our fire so the fans wouldn't be on......Where was that breeze coming from?

Then I saw it. In front of me was the temporary wall dividing my classroom from the next. Near the bottom, there was a small gap where it looked like a cap fell off the bottom edge of that partition. The hole was probably only an inch or two square, opening to the ground. I could see a shadow moving slightly on the other side - a class must have just begun in that room and there was someone directly on the other side of the wall from me. This anonymous person's actions were stimulating the cooler air, which gave it the freedom to rush into the hotter Hot Vinyasa room through the tiny opening. 

Chaturanga again, I closed my eyes and felt this cool air blowing over my sweat-soaked face. It felt delicious. It felt magical. It became my secret little motivator during an intense third flow. I usually rush through Chaturanga, which is not my favorite pose. But today, I relished it. I worked hard the rest of the flow, but when it came time to float my face so close to this amazing breeze I closed my eyes and held it like I never had before. I went deeper just to hold onto this feeling a moment longer before giving in to transition again. Mmmm.....

That tiny opening connected me to whomever was on the other side of that wall. Their actions changed my practice in a way they will never know. A simple raising of their arms in a completely different room took my practice to a new level - one where I actually looked forward to Chaturanga. And they had no idea. 

This happens on a daily basis. Our actions affect others in ways we could never know. Although we may never know the true effect of our words and actions, it is pretty interesting to just give it some thought. Who might benefit or be hurt from something you do? If you give a smile to the grocery store cashier, maybe her day will be brightened and she will go home and play ball with her son, which will lay the foundation for a professional baseball career in 10 years. Or if you snap at the cashier, maybe her negativity will snowball throughout the day and by the time she gets home she is stressed and yells at her son and he has had enough so he packs a bag and hitches a ride out of town and ends up on the side of a milk carton, never to be heard from again. 

Be mindful that your words and actions never stop with you. We are all affected because we are all connected. 

Ugh

I woke up to my alarm this morning and just groaned. Sinus pressure in my head and a sore throat. As much as I love spring, it is a one sided relationship. It enjoys making me miserable with pollen and drastic temperature changes. I threw on my yoga clothes and headed out the door. The door was unlocked - my boyfriend must have gone outside last night after I locked it and forgot to lock it when he came up to bed. Arrgh!  I got to the studio and laid down my mat, trying to muster a better attitude. Class began with pushups. Who can do pushups at 6:30am?!?!?! Class then moved into a flow that, I swear, combined every one of my nemesis poses and not one enjoyable one. I struggled through, keeping my Negative Nelly attitude up for the entire hour. By the time I left class, I just wanted the day to be done. Still want the day to be over, and it is only 8:30am.

The reason I let you in on my horrible beginning to the day is not because it magically has gotten better. Not even that I have learned some profound lesson. Just to show I am human. Sometimes it is just plain difficult to choose to be happy. Sometimes I just want to give in to the dark cloud so I do. Life is a cycle and there will always be good days and bad days. I realized my blog wasn't showing that. When I was happy and inspired I would sit down to write. When I was having a stressful or just plain crappy day I would hide out, not wanting to communicate with anyone. It painted a one-sided view of my life - that I am always full of rainbows and unicorns and delighted by every flower I pass. Although it is what I strive for, I am not there yet and have a feeling I am not the only one. So this post is about being real. Sometimes, you want to pull the covers back over your head and call a do-over. That's ok - I do too! Doesn't mean your yoga is "failing" or you are a bad person.

Without a little negativity sprinkled in every now and then, how will we recognize how good our lives are most of the time? I'm not going to get down on myself for feeling a little annoyed with the day, even though it is such an un-yogi-like attitude. Maybe next time you're having a bad day, or annoyed by something, just let yourself embrace it. Feel it fully, and then use it as the base for any good things - so the positive will feel that much sweeter when starting from below zero.