Hi Ya!

Let's face it, we live in a pretty strict society. This isn't a political post about USA and freedom and such, I'm talking in more of a peer pressure sense. We (and I include myself 100% in this "we") care so much what other people think that we often push down our own needs and wants in order to "fit in".

Last week I took Alex to karate class. It is just a beginner's class, and the instructor began by saying "any of you moms you want to join in, please feel free." I really wanted to. I love learning new things and moving around screaming "hi ya!" seemed much more enjoyable than sitting on a hard plastic chair for an hour. But none of the other moms got up, so I stayed put. The entire class, I was thinking about this - wishing I had stood up and joined the kids in the line. But not wanting to be that "weird" lady who was punching and kicking with the 6 year olds. I wasn't ready to be labelled - especially being new in town and trying to grow a local business.

When did I begin to care so much what others thought over what I wanted? If I look at kids at various ages, it is clear to see the progression of societal influence. Babies don't care - they scream, throw, poop and dance when ever and where ever they want to. As the kids grow up we as parents try to help them fit in with society by letting them know when something is appropriate and when it isn't, which is essentially laying down the idea to conform to the majority. They take this idea to school where their peers are the majority and many begin to take it to extremes - either needing to be identical to everyone else or identical to no one else. And somewhere along the line we begin to balance out our version of "fitting in" and stop thinking about it - it just becomes our way of life.

What if we challenged it? How would our lives be different if we stepped back and recognized all of the things we do and don't do because of others? What would we do differently if we really listened to ourselves - what we wanted and didn't want? I am not talking about robbing banks here. Moreso the subtle things in our lives - like eating dessert when no one else wants any, or wearing a shirt your teenage daughter rolls her eyes at. Or learning how to do karate with a bunch of 6 year olds. Hmmm....

Today Ice Cream, Tomorrow the World!

I already shared this with my TT class yesterday - sorry for the duplicate if you guys are reading this!

On St Patrick's Day, my boyfriend, his 4 year old son, and I went out to dinner. I live in a "happening" place, chock full of bars, restaurants and nightlife. In addition to the holiday, it was also the first championship game for a popular local university whose colors match that of a leprechaun.  Because of this, the streets were crowded with every variation of green possible - from a girl wearing a shamrock headband to a guy sporting full neon body paint. Needless to say, it was AMAZING people watching :)

We had a great dinner and went walking around the streets to enjoy both the spring-like weather and entertaining scenery. We didn't want the evening to end, so my boyfriend suggested we duck into a nearby ice cream place.

For a trying-hard-to-be-vegan-person-who-looooooves-ice-cream, I got scared. I had a moment of "S%$#%@, what do I do?" But the festive atmosphere on the streets swept me up into saying "yes" and just acknowledging I was about to fail in my vegan quest. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

Standing in line, I had an epiphany. I didn't have to get ice cream. I know that sounds silly, of course I didn't HAVE to get it, you're saying. But really, before that moment, I didn't realize I had a choice. We were going to an ice cream place, of course I'm going to get it. But in that moment, I equated my craving for ice cream just like the itch I talked about in a previous blog. It was my brain making a decision for me on autopilot. I never made a conscious choice to get ice cream, I just assumed I was getting it since I was there. My brain was following what it has done every time before in this situation.

Like GI Joe says, knowing is half the battle. As soon as I realized what was happening, I made a conscious decision to NOT get ice cream. It was almost as if a weight physically lifted from my shoulders. Just like that, I took conscious control of the situation. In my head, I resisted the urge that kept telling me how creamy and yummy and delicious it was. I shook off the voice that said "what, you're just going to sit here and watch others eat it? You're going to regret not getting any." Inhale.....exhale......And guess what, once the craving knew it had met its match, it backed off! Over the course of 3 people ahead of us in line, I went from weak autopilot follower to strong in-control leader. By the time we got to the counter, I didn't even have a craving for it anymore. I watched my boyfriend and his son order it, and sat with them at the table the entire time they ate it, and never once had an urge to even taste a bite! I wasn't even resisting anything by this point, I was completely at peace with not having any ice cream. All I had to do was stand up to my brain and take back control.

This may not seem like a monumental moment to most - passing up the opportunity to get ice cream. But it was. It was the first time I took all of those lessons learned during meditation and applied them to a non-yoga situation. My every day life was altered because of sitting silently and acknowledging my breath. Wow.

To Scratch, Or Not To Scratch?

How many times have you driven to work and, if you think back, you don't remember most of the ride? How many times have you brushed your hair out of your face today? Scratched an itch? Corrected a typo while typing? Inhaled? Chances are, you don't have any recollection of doing any of the above, or if you do you don't have recollection of every time you have done it. That's because you have done these things so much your cognitive (thinking) brain region is no longer used and it instead the task is handed over to the "autopilot" region of your brain.

I attribute a lot of things in my life to yoga. And I often get funny looks because of it. To those on the outside, it is just a form of exercise such as spinning or step aerobics. But the physical part of yoga (the poses - called asanas) is just one of many tools used to get you to the heart of the practice - internal awareness and control. The goal of all yoga - whether physical, meditation, chanting, etc - is to get yourself off autopilot. 

As you progress in a yoga class, you begin to feel more. Feeling something is the same as using your active brain - you are consciously aware of what is happening. You can tell if you are stretching too far by how shallow your breath gets with the effort - something you may not notice regularly. You feel your spine stack upon itself to give you a solid base for headstand. Lying in Child's Pose the entire class is extremely valid as a yoga workout, if you are consciously noticing the sensations that come up in your body and breath. Yoga isn't about being flexible, or working up a sweat, or losing weight. It is about doing something - anything - that will wake up your brain. This goes for all types of yoga (officially there are 6: physical yoga, selfless service, meditation, sound and chanting, devotion, and knowledge). They are all tools meant to switch off your autopilot and become consciously aware.

So why is it important to make conscious instead of unconscious decisions? Why do we care if we automatically scratch that itch? The reason is, the more you can control the little things, the better you can control the big things. Think of those little things as training. Resisting an itch does a few things: (1) it make you aware there is an itch, (2) it makes you aware how strongly you want to itch it, (3) it makes you aware that very soon, even if you don't itch it, it will go away. Those little training tools can be stepped up into real life. You are on a diet and find yourself constantly looking into the fridge but don't remember getting there. By taking more control of your thought processes, you can become aware of having the craving, and resisting the craving because you are in control and know it will pass, just like that itch. You can use it when you get angry - instead of snapping back a comment you can acknowledge this feeling of anger, understand where it comes from, take a step back and come at it from a more productive angle. Being in control of what your brain is doing - instead if just letting it react like it has every time before - gives you the power to accomplish anything. 

Still not convinced? In Jan 2011 an article was released by Duke University Medical Center that links high use of your brain's autopilot as a possible precursor to Alzheimers. 

"Our study found a significant relationship between patterns of activity in the default mode network and future onset of Alzheimer's disease.....These findings may help explain why mental engagement may protect against Alzheimer's disease." -  Dr. Jeffrey R. Petrella, MD

So get yourself to a yoga or meditation class today!!!! And share this blog with anyone you know who might benefit from a little un-autopiloting of their brain :)

Mind Control - just for aliens?

You hear yoga teachers talk about your breath over and over (and over and over and over...). "Yeah, I get it - focus on your breath. Now stop saying it!" But I don't think I really "got it" until after contemplating things I learned at the retreat. Everyone knows if you're upset taking some deep breaths helps to calm you, but why? Why does simply breathing make things hurt less? Make your heart slow down when you're frightened? Make anger subside? The answer is simple, because you take the focus off of the issue at hand. 

We like to think we were made to multi-task, but we weren't. Our cerebral cortex can only handle one task at a time (if you want more detail, here's a great article explaining it: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/why-multitasking-isnt-efficient). Therefore, our brain cannot handle say, acknowledging both a pain in your leg as well as the feel of your breath just below your nostrils. 

Most people don't have enough control over their own minds to dictate which one to concentrate on. The pain/anxiety/fear/anger is more demanding so your brain jumps to that one. However, the purpose of meditation is to strengthen this control over your brain. So that in a pinch, you will be able to say "Brain, you are now going to notice the breath instead." By removing focus on that other issue, it goes away. Internally you might struggle - breath, pain, breath, pain, breath, pain - but even removing focus from the pain for a split second makes it less powerful. The longer you can divert your focus from the issue to your breath, the less and less powerful the issue becomes. 

I got to test this out last night.  I was in one of Jonny's Hot Vinyasa classes and it was a killer (in a good way). After an hour of flowing we started holding some poses - starting with Crescent Moon. I have never been able to hold Crescent Moon as long as he makes us hold it. I see people around me straightening their legs, or going down onto a knee, and I always end up giving myself permission to do the same. Last night it was coming down to the wire. I had a cramp in my bent leg and just wanted, with every inch of my being, to straighten it out for a second. Instead, I focused my attention just below my nose. I began to feel the wind hitting the skin, in and out, in and out. God my leg hurt. Wait, back to breath. In and out, in and out. Ugh, am I going to survive? In and out, in and out. Then the most amazing words in the English language: "triangle pose." I had made it! For the first time ever, I had held the pose without letting my mind give permission to my body to "take a break." Holy crap - there is something to this controlling your mind thing! 

Silent Retreat

One of the precepts I agreed to upon entered teacher training was to speak only honestly. And I put off writing this blog about my meditation retreat because of that. I wasn't sure exactly what to say about my weekend, because I didn't want to diminish the retreat for anyone else. But then I was reminded (thanks Erica!) that my blog is about my own experiences. And my experience is just as valid as someone else's.

This past weekend, our yoga teacher training class went on a 3 day silent meditation retreat. I had never meditated before and had no idea what to expect, but I had heard such amazing things about meditation that I was excited to go.

Showing up and meeting everyone was amazing. I felt so close to these people already, even though we had only had one TT class together. However, then Noble Silence began as well as countless hours of meditation.

Even though I was a newbie to meditation, many of the ideas were ones I have lived with since I was a child. I have never been one to tear up at commercials, or lash out in anger, or freak out during tragedy. I am usually the calm level headed one who sometimes comes across as "cold" because I don't let my emotions take control (for example, I don't think that I have ever cried at a funeral). I would detach myself from emotion to get done whatever needed to get done. One of my mom's friends even nicknamed me "The General" at a very young age. It was just who I was (am). I wasn't suppressing anything, I could just see the bigger picture when it seemed like others couldn't - how acting on impulse rarely made a situation better.

So the goal of meditation was a very familiar one for me: become an observer to your thoughts, emotions and actions. Step outside of them. Control them instead of letting them control you. I am always up for learning and practicing, but the way in which we practiced it over the weekend didn't really do much for me. I don't think I was ready for 15 hours of sitting in meditation right out of the gate. I did learn a lot about myself during it, little lessons that I am sure will be discussed in future blogs, but I didn't feel this life-changing sensation that many others expressed. There was nothing spiritual for me, nothing cosmically-altering. This was strange for me because I am an extremely spiritual person. Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I didn't do things correctly, maybe I expected too much going in, maybe, maybe, maybe. When it was over I was just ready for it to be over. It didn't leave me wanting more - like some people who were eager to go to a full Vipanassa 10 day silent retreat. I didn't feel accomplished. I felt pretty much blank by the end of it. It was what it was and then it was over. I was hesitant to be this honest because I felt like it makes me lesser than someone who had huge awakenings during the retreat. Like I am so far behind everyone else on this journey. But I need to be honest to myself in order to grow and so I needed to write the truth.

That said, I am excited to begin daily meditation. I do feel I can learn a lot about myself through this ancient practice (when done in moderation). I think I needed to work up to a retreat that intense in order to really appreciate the benefits.